Self-care is defined as “the practice of taking action to preserve or improve one's health.”

Although self-care can look glamorous while watching a YouTube vlogger, it’s not one-size-fits-all and most people don’t show the rough parts. 😉

I won’t get into the psychology of why I (personally) struggle with self-care, but it’s tied to my self-worth, and how much value I’ve assigned to myself throughout my life.

Patterns of self-neglect learned amid a substance use disorder have been, for me, hard to recognize and even harder to break.

When dependent on alcohol…

I believed the mistakes I’d already made disqualified me from any fulfilling future.

I believed my value was minimal compared to others around me.

I believed I wasn’t capable of achieving my dreams.

The above are examples of the lies my “alcohol-dependent brain” told me to keep me drinking, and it wasn’t until many months after I quit that I realized they were false beliefs.

There are plenty of reasons why a person might struggle with self-care - addiction, mental or physical illness which affects abilities, energy levels, attention span, organizational skills or motivation, etc.

But what happens when you don’t think you deserve self-care?

When someone is experiencing feelings of shame, this person may believe they don’t deserve even basic levels of care. Shame can be a heavy emotion to face. In my experience, I see some people not even realizing they’re feeling shame or can’t admit it (to others or themselves).

Today, I’m writing about self-care tips for those struggling with a wounded sense of self-worth (or feelings of shame).

Self Compassion

It’s important to have compassion for yourself despite the “status” of your recovery. Whether you’re in an up or down phase, compassion is essential, and how we can avoid negative self-talk and overthinking. The next time you want to draw a bath or ask for thirty minutes of quiet time, and you’re feeling like…

You haven't done enough today to deserve it
You don’t want to burden the people around you
You don’t want to upset someone

Know that YOU DESERVE basic acts of self-care.

You don’t need to “qualify” every day for self-care.

If you had a broken arm and chose to ignore it, therefore creating a more severe injury, that would not only make things worse for you but for those around you. The same applies to putting off any type of self-care, in my opinion.

There are a few types of self-care to consider: physical, mental, emotional, social, and spiritual.

Self-compassion is your gateway to a proper, well-rounded self-care routine.

You must believe that it’s essential and that you deserve it!

via GIPHY

Be More Assertive

If you’re frequently neglecting your needs, you might also not be advocating for yourself often enough. In 2024, one of the main behaviors I’m working on is speaking up for myself.

If I’m constantly saying “yes” to things I should be saying “no” to… I’m to blame for my burnout later. For some of us, sticking up for ourselves feels weird, selfish, rude, etc. I’ve been there, and that’s not an ideal way to live. Even with family and friends, we only have ourselves in this world. If you can’t take care of yourself, who will?

Being more assertive might look like advocating for yourself at work, not giving too much energy to friends giving nothing in return, cutting out toxic relationships, asking for help or a break, asking someone to give you space, not burying your feelings, etc.

Set Realistic Goals

📚 Three books significantly impacted the way I view goal-setting:

Atomic Habits - James Clear
Badass Habits - Jen Sincero
Soberish - Kayla Lyons

Before I found clarity in my goal-setting mentality, my list of goals sounded more like “outcomes I wanted,” not realistic goals. Two very different things. I wasn’t setting myself up for success, which is part of self-care. I suggest taking a hard look at what goals look like for you - how you’re setting them, your success rate, how you measure success, and more.

Know Your Limits

Can you think of a time when you hit a breaking point? Maybe you abruptly left an event, missed a commitment, canceled plans, or, unfortunately, said something you didn’t mean. Everyone hits a breaking point sometimes - but how are you dealing with it?

Are you looking back to see how you got there - what went wrong? When you take a preventative approach, instead of shaming yourself, you can work toward having fewer breakdowns through reflection. After you’ve had time to calm down, reflect on the moment - ask yourself what could’ve helped in that situation.

Write down what you learned and want to remember.

via GIPHY

Recognize Unkind Thoughts

As someone who experiences intrusive thoughts, I don’t necessarily believe in the “just think positive thoughts” theory that floats around social media. It’s not always that simple.

On days when I have increased anxiety, I can do things to help myself feel “better,” but I can’t completely dissolve symptoms.

Recognizing the negative thoughts for what they are helps me assign less “weight” to them.

Understanding that what I’m experiencing is anxiety, anxiousness, insecurity, feeling unsafe, worrying about the unknown, intrusive thoughts, hangxiety - whatever the case may be. In other words, “don’t always believe everything your brain tells you.”

Addiction & Self-Care:

“Addiction demands that we abandon all concern for our physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual well-being,” which is why many with a current substance use disorder (or history of SUD) might struggle with self-care.

In 2018, the National Institute on Drug Abuse reported that of the 20.3 million adults with substance use disorders, 37.9% also had mental illnesses - this is known as comorbidity (when a person has two or more disorders at the same time or one after the other).

It’s not difficult to imagine why someone fighting addiction may also fight with caring for themselves, and it may not be in all areas of self-care. Someone may be able to manage all but one or two types of self-care. Everyone’s experience will be different.

I’m someone who believes sober curiosity is a form of self-care.

Being sober-curious means you’re interested in taking better care of your mind and body.

When I was sober-curious, before the phrase even existed, I looked at quitting drinking or cutting back as shameful or a punishment. And that’s NOT TRUE! If you struggle with self-care and are trying to quit drinking, you’re doing one of the best things you’ll ever do for yourself, in my opinion. 😊

Simple Self-Care Activities

Play with your pet
Yoga or stretching
Positive affirmations
“Dress up” for the day
Pray or practice gratitude
Read a book, magazine, or favorite blog
Listen to calming music
Craft or make art
Call a close friend
Do a puzzle or use a fidget toy
Deep breathing with eyes closed
Schedule your next vacation from work
Give yourself or ask for a foot/hand massage
Enforce boundaries at work or school
Watch your favorite YouTube channel
Go on a walk in a new neighborhood

Check out Recovery Cat’s Resource Hub😽

Disclaimer: I’m a soberish (alcohol-free) writer in recovery with 4+ years of experience. I’m not a doctor, mental health professional, or medical professional. This blog post is not medical advice. I suggest consulting your care providers before making any changes.

Struggling With Self-Worth in Recovery (Self-Care Tips)